Regrets

Regrets, we all have them...regretting the friends we have lost, regretting the mistakes that we have done in the past even regretting that stupid night that you get so wasted that you cant even remember how you got there. The downside to regrets is that no matter what they come back ten times harder and as worse as the original regret. It feels to me that regrets are used as blackmail to get a personal gain. I'm no saint but I feel that through it all many people that I know use the mistakes in my past as a way of me regretting the actions I have caused. Even after the damage of the deed, even after the apologies, so many years have past since that one event that changes everything, it still haunts you. Every time you see that one person that you have "hurt" they always ALWAYS mention the scene that you did or how badly you hurt them. Regrets, they are a BITCH I mean even after all the guilt that you felt originally, you still feel it! You feel like that it will never get better that the bridge has been burned. The doubts and insecurities that regrets bring to the table does wonders to the psyche.

Regrets, we all have them....its like our personal inner demon. No matter what you do to try to fix it....it never heals its like a damn wound that just wont heal no matter how times you but on a band aid it just never heals. I could probably write an entire novel on the many regrets in my life and how they always screw me over. But then again I bet we can find tons of people who can the novellas and playwrights of how regrets have screwed them over. Regrets.... even saying the word makes its sound nauseous. Regrets, they always say that you become the person that you are today from the success and yes even regrets that you make. It somehow shapes you, it changes you to think in a different perspective. To me the regrets still to this day, haunt me. Emotionally the tear me down, and mentally its hard to bear. Regrets are like that shot when you were a little kid that you tried to avoid....however, no matter how much you screamed and tried to break loose, you always got the damn shot.

So as I and many look on what is next, I always look at the regrets of my past as my inner demon. Every time I look in the mirror, I don't see me, I see all the people that i have hurt and think why cant this stop, I don't know how to make this pain stop. Cant time just rewind its self so I can change all the regrets, all the mistakes, all the misfortunes? Cant for once I just be happy and not pretend that I truly am happy? Until then I guess the wounds will continue to bleed out and I will move forward with the haunting of the regrets of my past.

Regrets...ha ha aren't they a bitch.

You know those moments you wake up with "What the fuck happpen last night" or "was that real? Did that really happen?" I always wake up with the same constant thought of "What the fuck is going to happen next. Am I Ready?" Recently my dreams have gone to the point where even I dont understand is going on. I sometimes think that my true real world is my real nightmare. It just never adds up--anything! and everything. I mean you have those moments where the chase excites you, having people or that someone or something chase after you its exciting its thrilling. But after the chase, what happens? In my dreams, its like the chase is never ending, the chase is not concerte its more obsolete then its supposed to be. I feel that this long consistent dream or more like a nightmare from hell never comes to a real life aspect. The dreams I have are just changing. I feel like I am changing. And its scary. Im changing to someone different. Someone no one will recognize. I feel free. I feel different. Is it good? Or is it bad? and are these dreams or nightmares really helping me to change? I guess i will never know

You know that its over when the burning and yearning inside your heart aint there anymore

You know that feeling of it is all just not going to be better and you try to be positive but the end results are never what we truly want. I mean lets get real here nothing ever truly gets better I mean in a way it just never seems that the moment where self-actualization comes something has to always leave making the person back to square one. It feels that no matter what I do it will never be good enough I feel like that I keep myself busy cause I need to or again like I stated before the QC option would be GREAT!!! The weather here gives me the ideas of what it would like just lay in the rain and to cleanse my body from all the insecurities in the world. The feeling of knowing that I have something to work for or the feeling that some one is interested in me would give me the all the reasons to let down my guard or to let all of those insecurities to just.....disappear. I sometimes believe that my passion and my fire for what I truly desire has begun to fade I FEEL that the true motivation has been lost and I do not know where to turn. Its like that old poem from Frost "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...." you get the point. What do you do when the burning and yearning inside the heart begins to fade? do we try to regain all things that we lost? Do we try to find something else that could be viewed to others as "falsified feelings" or is it some more concerte some raw and real? It feels that no matter what happens nothing changes and nothing that we desire or truly want in life comes to be. It feels that no matter what we do or what we become matters. Its like the whole purpose of life is to just work, go to school, strive for the so called American Dream. I know I might sound dumb about saying that but to me its true, I feel like my purpose of life besides going to college is right now at a point of what can I do? Where do I wanna go? Who do I wanna be? Who do I want to be with? So many questions and so little time to answer them all. It feels like theres some nothing left it feels like my heart and body is tired it physically wants quit but deep down I know I cant quit.

So what does that mean....does that mean I need to bring my battlegear?

Lies that drop like acid rain.

Lying-deceptive, the telling of lies.

We all lie in some point of our life (its in our instincitve behavior). I mean come on now it is the essence of the game right to lie. We lie to get ahead in the compeitive of life from work to some other aspects of our lives (to gain friends or to gain a sense of self). I have learned slowly but surely that lying is the only way to truly win or make it to the next level of the game or in this case this huge marathon. I mean lets get real here we learn to lie when we are little kids (even when we are told its bad and the consequences of lying are harsh) we still do it even through our adulthood. Lying gives us such a huge advantage in life because depending on the person lying gives them the control of the fate of the other person.
Lying is everywhere now in days from realtionships to politics it seems to become more of an accessory to the person's personality trait than anything else. Lying also in the ends comes back to bite us in the ass when it backfires and then we start to slowly lose everything that we worked hard for suddenly is gone cause we lie....I remember House stated the quote that "everybody lies." Well he couldn't be more correct. In our society all it feels like is a big lie. I mean you got celebrities who lie about drug uses to politicians saying that they didn't sleep with that call girl or intern in their office.
So as I decide to leave and go to continue my life being stuck in time I decided to leave off with a quote on this little subject.

Lying is bad. Or so we're told. Constantly. From birth. Honest is the best policy. The truth will set you free. I chopped the cherry tree. Whatever.-Meredith Grey

Im gonna run til I see the sunlight

I feel that when I run no one can stop me nor catch me. I feel like Im in a world or zone that gives me complete control of my destiny or where I want to go. I dont have people saying "Oh you should go to _____" or "Come with me to the ______". When I run I cause its the only thing I feel passionate of. Recently my running has make me find answers or lack there of and let me have some sense of control and give my head out of the reality of the world. Even when I listen to music while running I feel that I am in a zone that I can see no one and can only see the tunnel that is "the future" or to me it is becoming more of the tunnel that never ends. Some days I feel like that I want to run and to continue running untill my body completely stops running or untill I lose control of the running.

Running brings that sense of me pushing myself while running (that probably didnt make sense at all) it pushes me to the point that I must runner faster, fast enough that all the pain in the world leaves. The only problem is, that once I stop running, the pain comes back and it comes back worse. I feel like right now that college and life in general is this huge race and currently I feel like Im falling behind in the race and the only way to make it through is to run til I see the sunlight. I just wanna run till the pain goes away.

But at the end of the day.....the pain never leaves.

What would Quentin Compson do?

I always think about that when everything in life just go to the point where I have reached my breaking point. I mean I have been a college student for three weeks now and lets say I figured out that its tough out there. I always feel like Im playing some sort of game from people that I "falsely" believed that I liked to the game of social networking and getting the dream college experience. I always feel like at the end of the night that I never gave it my best, I feel that I have failed my family and everyone around me. Through these three weeks I have always gave the reference of Quentin Compson to everyone I talked to. Some days I feel that I could just give it up like Quentin then but then my other side of my mind tells me "No, you are going to be another statistic." I feel that what I have expereinced lately is a sense of self doubt I mean I am not going to lie I have meant fantastic people but at the same time I also have met people who have pushed me to my breaking point and/or thought that I was "falsely" attracted to them.
I feel some days that doing what Quentin Compson would slove everything. It would solve my problem of being stuck in time, it would solve so many problems that I have been encountering lately that I would feel like that I am finally free from society and all the conformities that it brings. South Dakota State University has to me brought me some challenges and also has given me regrets of why I came here I thought last night "God, I made the most horrible mistake of my life, why did I do this, I could of gone to Laramie County Community College (LCCC) and I could of done so much better." I feel like I do not belong here in this university I mean I have lost all confidence in what I do. It feels like that all I can do is continously hit myself with a hammer untill the pain goes away. Some could say that I am being over dramatic about it but behind my hazel eyes (no reference intended) I see that I cant find my true place here at SDSU. As I continue to write here, I believe that through these times that I would be doing more self reflection and self discovery and to continue living in a thought box that is every changing and live with the fact that my current struggle is that I have made the greatest mistake of my life.