You know that feeling of it is all just not going to be better and you try to be positive but the end results are never what we truly want. I mean lets get real here nothing ever truly gets better I mean in a way it just never seems that the moment where self-actualization comes something has to always leave making the person back to square one. It feels that no matter what I do it will never be good enough I feel like that I keep myself busy cause I need to or again like I stated before the QC option would be GREAT!!! The weather here gives me the ideas of what it would like just lay in the rain and to cleanse my body from all the insecurities in the world. The feeling of knowing that I have something to work for or the feeling that some one is interested in me would give me the all the reasons to let down my guard or to let all of those insecurities to just.....disappear. I sometimes believe that my passion and my fire for what I truly desire has begun to fade I FEEL that the true motivation has been lost and I do not know where to turn. Its like that old poem from Frost "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...." you get the point. What do you do when the burning and yearning inside the heart begins to fade? do we try to regain all things that we lost? Do we try to find something else that could be viewed to others as "falsified feelings" or is it some more concerte some raw and real? It feels that no matter what happens nothing changes and nothing that we desire or truly want in life comes to be. It feels that no matter what we do or what we become matters. Its like the whole purpose of life is to just work, go to school, strive for the so called American Dream. I know I might sound dumb about saying that but to me its true, I feel like my purpose of life besides going to college is right now at a point of what can I do? Where do I wanna go? Who do I wanna be? Who do I want to be with? So many questions and so little time to answer them all. It feels like theres some nothing left it feels like my heart and body is tired it physically wants quit but deep down I know I cant quit.
So what does that mean....does that mean I need to bring my battlegear?
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It means you're a college student. That may be the simplest explanation. I sat for an hour talking to my friend Kristene about what it means to be in the Midwest. have grown up here all my life, and Kristene is originally from New Zealand. The one thing about Midwesterners is that we consider ourself "depressed" when we finally come to the realization we are "average". It's not necessarily actual depression, but it comes to us as we feel meaningless in life. When you think about everything in the "cosmic scale" we are all honestly kind of meaningless. The only meaning any one life has is what we put into it, and the meaning we give to the people around us.
ReplyDeleteThink about it. You and I have not know each other for very long. We have had some good times; we've had some odd times. But the fact that you've affected my life (granted, not nearly as grandly as other people in recent months), but you have affected it. I have affected yours in the same way. I find you interesting, fun, and it's nice to have someone to laugh with every once in awhile about stupid things. I do think you over-exaggerate, but the thing is...that's my perception of you versus your perception of yourself.
You see your life as a story, much like I do, but where as I see mine in retrospect, you see yours as a Southern Gothic Story taking place in the Midwest. You search for meaning under every rock that makes up your life (metaphorical rocks...not real ones), instead of simply living it and see where the journey takes you. Nothing is ever easy, but if everything was truly easy we wouldn't value it. Even a simple thing like going to the gym is extremely hard to conceive. I love the way it feels, but everyday I can feel my muscles aching with that blissful pain that means I'm doing something right. It's hard. It's annoying, but I'm going to appreciate the results when I go into the Navy.
Dating is the same way. You have squabbles. You have fights. One has to work to find that right person. If everything just fell into place, and everyone in your life were cookie cutter 50's Sitcom characters, you'd honestly be bored out of your wits. You'd honestly stir things up, just to make it more interesting. Everything has a certain price for greatness (and even despair). If you didn't have those moments of despair, how would you not be so happy when you feel love or desire? Everything is connected, and everything has the meaning your looking for, you just simply are looking under the wrong rocks.